8/31/2008 - Sunday

• 8/31/2008 10:00:00 AMMore LurkingOn Sunday evening, I received a phone call from a friend.  I had been in the living room watching television with all of the kids.  It was too noisy in there so I went into the kitchen so that I could hear better.  Around this time, Michael announced that he needed to cut his finger and toe nails.  He grabbed the clippers and disappeared somewhere supposedly to perform his personal hygiene.
  
  I continued to sit and talk to my friend in the kitchen.  Sunday was a very warm day so I sat near the window so I could feel the cool evening breeze.  Peggy came in to the kitchen asking about Michael's whereabouts.  I said I didn't know.  She went outside and found him sitting on a chair five feet from the open window where I was talking.  He quickly jumped up and began to walk back over towards Peggy who was standing at the kitchen door.  "What are you doing?", she asked.  "I am cutting my toe nails", he replied.  
  
  Keep in mind that it is somewhere between 8:00PM and 9:00PM.  The location where Michael was sitting was completely dark and in no way was there enough light for anyone to see their toe nails much less clip them.  She called him in and examined his toe nails.  Some of his toes had clip marks on them, the rest of them were so long they were beginning to bend around the front of his toes and press into this toe skin.
  
  Perhaps the most draining parental activity of having Michael is keeping constantly aware of where he is and what he is doing at all times.
  

8/30/2008 - Saturday

• 8/30/2008 10:00:00 PMKen and BarbiePeggy took Michael to the store and purchased a "Ken" doll for him.  Michael and Ellie often like to play with all of the Barbie toys.  There is the house, the car, horses and all the accessories that go with them.  Over the years we have acquired many other Ken dolls but they have all seen their best days.  Some of their heads pop off, limbs are damaged, hair is missing...  If you have children who own such dolls you know what I'm talking about.
  
  So Michael gets a new Ken doll and he is loving it.  He now has a male character of his own and can play without having to "borrow" one that belongs to the girls.  Everyone knows the story of Ken and Barbie, but to Michael, along with being Barbie's mate, he is also a secret agent, combat ranger, pilot, super-hero... you name it.  But whether the two doll characters are married, dating, or just friends, Ken goes with Barbie like peas go with carrots.  In today's episode of Ken and Barbie, they are married and Barbie has a new baby.  
  
  In the world of the eight year old, babies just "magically" appear.  Ken and Barbie get married, there is brief talk of how many children there will be and then the babies just seem to exist.  It is widely known that for a short time they are in their mom's tummy but without explanation, all of the sudden, they are there - in the crib or carriage with a diaper and bottle.  Sometimes they can talk or even walk.  It seems that sometime during the play, Michael explained and demonstrated to Ellie, (using Ken and Barbie), how the "magic" actually happens.
  
  Both of them came out from the play area and Ellie announced that Barbie had a baby.  It was not long before Peggy quickly separated the two of them and took Michael outside for some in-depth questioning.  It would seem that when he was eight (2 years ago) during his stay at the orphanage in Cheboksary, Michael observed some things no eight year old should be observing.  What he saw involved one of the boys we met while we were over there.  Apparently, this other boy punched and hit Michael to ensure his keeping quiet about the event and the forbidden knowledge he just acquired.
  
  Afterwords, Michael - along with the couple involved in the incident mentioned above - and some other children took the opportunity to watch some movies at the orphanage that are not appropriate for anyone much less children.  I'm wording this in such a way as to avoid having this blog post draw the attention of any person searching for inappropriate material.
  
  After the movies, Michael along with another female resident proceeded to the bushes to try out their newly acquired skills.  It would seem that the bushes just outside the building are the ideal setting for young romance.
  
  All of this raises many questions such as:
  - Who was supervising you? (no one it seems or at least no one who cared)
  - What time of day did this happen? (evening when most adults had gone home)
  - Where did you get such movies? (based on what we saw with the music cd's they are readily available)
  
  Unsure if he was telling the truth or just another story, Peggy asked more specific questions such as "how did you accomplish this?"
  
  Michael explained what he knew in detail along with a short demonstration.
  
  I feel sick.  Ellie and Michael cannot play unsupervised any more.
  
  This is not Michael's fault.  This is the result of:
  (Cultural Norm) + (Institutional Life) + (Lack of supervision)
  
  I think I am beginning to formulate thoughts and opinions that are less than edifying.  I hate what was done to Michael.
  

8/23/2008 - Saturday

• 8/23/2008 9:28:18 PMCamping at Buckhorn State ParkOver the weekend we went on a camping trip to Buckhorn State Park which is located along the Wisconsin River.  What a beautiful park that is.  Peggy stayed home to get rest and prepare her lesson plans for school.  I took the kids and camped along with my brother and sisters and their families.  We are not really a "camping" kind of family but over the years I have acquired a great deal of camping gear so that we were fairly well prepared for the rigors of staying over the weekend roughing it in the wilderness of Wisconsin.
  
  Overall, it was a nice relaxing weekend.  For the most part, my children enjoyed playing with their cousins, running around in the woods and swimming in the Wisconsin River.  Michael was fairly quiet for most of the weekend.  I made him hang out with the other children and play with them.  If I didn't make him play with other children, he would be content to sit with the adults and just listen to their conversations.  Some time during the play, he came walking back to camp followed by some of the other kids.
  
  "Michael won't play.  He just stands there and won't take his turn", one of them said.
  
  Michael responded, "Dad. Two things.  One, I don't like the game and because I don't want to run"
  
  I don't know what they were playing.  Tag, kick the can... obviously something that involved moving which is Michael's least favorite activity.  Also, Michael does not like being told what to do - this includes being advised the rules of a game.  If you are playing a game that involves rules and activities that he doesn't feel like participating in, he often acts like it is some kind of unfair personal attack on him.  Then he will stand around and not participate.  In this situation, the children were far enough away from the adults, that Michael could not put on his usual, "look at how pitiful I am" show.  There was no one within visual distance who cared.
  
  "Go back and play!", I shouted.  "I don't want to hear it."
  
  Later in the evening, the camp ground put on a candle light hike along one of their nature trails.  Michael and I didn't go on it because I didn't feel like having to stay on Michael's case - telling to keep walking and stop acting like a baby.  He sat at camp for two or three hours waiting for everyone else to return.  Afterwords, he got the pleasure of watching all of the other kids enjoy smores and puggie pies over the campfire.  That is the price you pay for not wanting to be part of the group.
  
  Other than this incident, I don't recall there being any other significant issues on the trip.  It was a nice weekend.  We headed back home and on the way made a pit stop at Hardee's for some Thick Burgers.  I am particularly fond of the Frisco-Burger and the Curly Fries.  Michael had some kind of Bacon Cheese Burger.  I think it was nearly the size of his head.  I don't think he cares for french fries of any kind though.
  
  When we arrived back home, Michael jumped out of the car and went straight to Peggy.  In a cracked, choked up voice and with teary eyes he said, "momma, I missed you".  "What?", Peggy asked.  She had not fully understood what he had said.  Michael cleared his throat and repeated himself but this time with a much more casual tone.
  
  Hmmmmmm????
  
  There is more to this part of the story.  It involves Peggy being the object of Michael's affection and the psychological ramifications of that.  He wants to control her every moment and to possess her all to himself.  She represents everything he has lost and more.  Michael's behavior is beginning to drain the life out of her and our family.

8/18/2008 - Monday

• 8/18/2008 11:04:27 PMTurning the cornerShortly after we brought Michael home, a friend of mine gave me a pile of "Adopting Families" magazine.  The pile contains a wealth of information about adoption from "how to" articles for finding the right home-study agency to dealing with behavior issues.  The latter is what I was mostly interested in.
  
  Over the last six months, we have wrestled repeatedly with the same strange behavioral issues.  By sometime last week, we had nearly reached the breaking point when we committed ourselves to an even deeper level to the study of human behavior - particularly those of hurt children who get adopted.  I began to comb through the pile of literature we had and the term
  
  "Attachment Disorder" kept coming up.  Whenever there was a list of symptoms given for it, our view of Michael's behaviorial problems never seemed to completely match and we weren't convinced that this was his problem - at least not completely.
  
  One day last week, I was going through some photos remembering when we all used to laugh and smile and weren't continuously frustrated.  I showed some of them to Michael including photos where he was present.  I asked him, "what happened to the happiness?"  He said, "lying, deceit".  He asked me, "will happiness come back?".  I said, "I hope so".  I made a point of showing him the smiles on everyones faces in each photo.  I said, "this is what we wanted to give you".
  
  
  On another day, Peggy had been discussing lying with Michael.  She came up with a calculation that indicated Michael had told in excess of 500 lies in the time he has been with us.  Now not all of them are direct intentional lies.  Much of his behavior involves pretending that he is unable to do something we we all know full well that he is capable.  Some examples are running,  bending his knees, riding his bike, brushing his teeth...  Each time he says he "can't" - especially after we've seen him do it or when he "selectively forgets", we attribute that to deception which is inherently lying.
  
  Michael said, "I don't believe that I have lied 500 times".  We covered some of the incidents that have occured recently and the number of times he spun the truth about them.  It became clear to him very quickly how easily and frequently untruth flowed from his mouth.  We made him draw 500 stick men with unhappy faces on a sheet of paper.  One stick man for every lie.
  
  == Hairy Behavior ==
  One particular example of his manipulative attention seeking deceptive behavior involves combing his hair.  Michael is responsible for combing his hair every day.  He has been with us for about six months which is roughly 180 days.  This translates to showing him how to comb his hair approximately 180 times.  There is a certain way we like him to comb his hair and it is relative to the direction his hair grows.  Michael repeatedly acts like he is incapable of doing this simple task correctly.  
  
  However, if I say, "we're going to the store, go comb your hair"  Michael will quickly comb his hair correctly the first time and be ready to go.  However, if I just say "go comb your hair", he will repeatedly comb it not just incorrectly but totally different or even the exact opposite way we've shown him - all 180 times.  
  
  At one point, we took a photo of him and tacked it to the wall next to the mirror in the bathroom.  I said, "make your hair like the picture and don't come out until it looks like that".  He still comes out looking like a circus clown.  He likes to go right to Peggy, opening up his big eyes to look like a lost puppy and says to Peggy with a sappy voice, "mamma... how does this look?"  Again - secret language for, "look at me", "see how needy I am", "give me your attention", "feel sorry for me".  Perhaps some people would see this and say, "he is crying out for love".  We see this as him trying to manipulate and control.  He is capable of combing his hair but he chooses not to.
  
  == Family Reunion ==
  A few weekends ago, we went up north for a family reunion to Peggy's uncle's house.  He has a nice place with a large pond located in the woods of North East Wisconsin.  The kids spent a good part of the warm and sunny afternoon swimming and playing.  
  
  At one point during the day, Michael was playing with his uncle and cousin.  They had a ball and were tossing it back and forth.  Michael would pretend he didn't know how to throw a ball and then would launch it far away from the people he was playing with forcing them to go after it.  He wanted to be shown how "to do it correctly".  Let me be clear on this - all ten year old boys know how to throw a ball.  Unfortunately for Michael, his uncle is no dummy and caught on quickly to what he was doing.
  
  At another point, Michael came out of the water and stood on the shore.  He wouldn't interact with anyone either in the water or on the land.  He just stood there with his head hung low looking sad.  Every minute or so, he would slowly turn his head and gaze with his big eyes upon his grandma and his aunt like a weak and helpless orphan.  Michael would then quiver slightly as if he needed a towel but there were none available and he was forced to stand there and freeze like a naked homeless child living on the streets of Moscow.  
  
  Of course, none of this is true.  He was surrounded by family and his towel was laying on the ground in the hot sun right next to him.  This pathetic, glancing, "poor me", "look at me" act went on for a few minutes.  Some people who noticed him would sigh and say, "awwww...  look at him".  His aunt on the other hand tapped Peggy on the shoulder and said, "check that out..."  Again, she is no dummy and knew exactly what he was attempting.
  
  == Searching ==
  After a few nights and many hours of combing through the magazine pile looking for information on how to handle all of this and not finding what I wanted, we decided to make a date night and head out to Barnes and Noble in search of more literature.  Peggy had done quite a bit of reading before Michael came and I will have to confess that I did much less than she did.  Actually, I did embarrassingly less.  She would give me her analysis of each book and I always agreed with her conclusion thinking that this all made perfect sense.  
  
  Hurt child = strange behavior.  
  
  Since I am a logical kind of person, I could understand the equation.  However - understanding the equation and living the equation are very different.
  
  == Finding what was lost ==
  We each grabbed about three books and sat down to read them.  Before I continue, I have to say that Barnes and Noble is a fantastic book store.  If you ever get a chance to go there - even if you are not in the market for a book - do it.
  
  
  One of the books I grabbed (and the one I am currently reading) is "Parenting the Hurt Child: Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow" by Gregory Keck and Regina M. Kupecky.  I sat down and quickly plowed through the chapter, "What doesn't work".  I cannot express the amount of healing that occured within me over the next 20 to 30 minutes.  I had felt like I found the long lost instruction book to a very complicated, half assembled, and broken machine.  
  
  Peggy and I passed our books back and forth to each other saying, "hey... read this".  What an eye opening evening!  We left there with three books.  I'll post more about them as I go through them.  So far I can tell you that if you are considering adoption or have already done so, get Parenting the Hurt Child.  It will be well worth the cost.
  
  == Healing at the i-Hop ==
  After dropping $50 at the book store, we headed over to the International House of Pancakes for dinner.  Before eating, we prayed.  We prayed specifically for healing, wisdom, perserverence.  We thanked the Lord for where we were, the position we were in and this one evening of some relief.  We sat and talked about many things - including the 85 degree temperature outside compared to the 65 degree temperature inside.  You know, the I-Hop is a nice place and they might have good pancakes but we froze in there and most of our meal was greasy.  If my mind was not so heavy with other thoughts, I might be more critical of my experience there.
  
  == The Turning Point ==
  The following day, something very interesting happend.  Michael began to confess that he knew what really happened to his birth mother.  When we first met Michael (then Yuri) in 2007, he would not talk about his mother and claimed to not have any other family.  He said his father was a pilot who died an a plane crash.  At that time, we had already known that he was the third of three children.  During the court proceedings in Cheboksary, we learned about his other siblings but got no information regarding his mother or father.  
  
  After we got home from Moscow, Michael told us a fantastic story of a random act of violence where his mother was betrayed by a friend and shot to death outside their home.  Some military soldiers came but no police were ever involved.  No one was ever inclined to search for the killer even though he knew their name and what they looked like.  He even drew a picture of the scene and showed us how it all supposedly happened.
  
  Here are the key highlights of the story that Michael confessed regarding his mother:  She loved his father but his father liked to punch her in the eyes leaving them black and blue.  His dad left and his mother met some other man.  One evening both Michael and his mother were at a friend's house.  She was drinking heavily and smoking as she often did.  There were bottles of alcohol everywhere.  She went into a room and closed the door behind her.  A friend then took Michael home.  That was the last time he saw her alive.  After some period of time, he saw her again at the funeral laying in a casket.  He was close enough to get a good look at her face.  How does a four year old process such information?  Not very well - that's how.
  
  This is the type of story that we suspected was likely to be the truth.  Michael is not alone in his incredible journey of childhood pain.  His story of his mother's demise is all too common among orphans.  Standard defence tactic 101 for hurt children is to conceal this kind of truth and begin a life of fending for themselves.  Most often adults are viewed as the source of pain and misery.
  
  We have so much work to do, so much "unlearning", and so much healing that needs to be done.  Today was big step in the right direction.  Michael let his guard down enough that we could establish some trust as he shared with us perhaps one of the heaviest and darkest secrets that a ten year old can keep or carry.
  
  I told Michael that when he heals from this (and he will heal), he will be not only strong but very special as well.  He will be one of God's secret weapons.  I said that many other children are hurting from the same types of things and that he will be able to help them heal too.  For now, his job is to stay at home to heal and to learn.  We told him that children were a blessing to their parents and that they were like arrows in the hands of a master warrior.  He will become straight, tall, and strong and one day he will stand firm for what is good and right.  Perhaps one day, he will see his mother again.  For now, maybe she is looking down at him and thankful he came to our home.
  
  Lord, help us to provide a home and environment where he can heal.  Help us to train him correctly.  Help us to point him back to You.
  
  

8/17/2008 - Sunday

• 8/17/2008 8:51:56 PMRussia and Control IssuesAs we work through the maze of control issues with Michael, it is disturbingly comforting to know that the behavior he exhibits seems to be common among Russians.
  
  In the Washington Post article "Who Made Russia Attack?", Fred Hiatt makes the argument that Vladimir Putin (and now perhaps Dmitry Medvedev) are on a quest to restore the formal imperialist behavior of the U.S.S.R.  
  Putin's comment that, Russia "has tended to feel absolutely secure only when everybody else, particularly those around its borders, feels absolutely insecure" reminds me if Michael-ish type behavior - CONTROL.
  
  Again I ask, is this
  - Michael specific behavior?
  - Russian cultural specific behavior?
  - Orphan/hurt child specific behavior?
  - Institutionalized child behavior?
  
  There are many cases and examples that would seem to indicate that the root cause could be any of the above.

8/4/2008 - Monday

• 8/4/2008 10:08:06 PMAlexander Solzhenitsyn"I never doubted that communism was doomed to collapse, but I was always afraid of how Russia would emerge from that communism and at what price. I know I am coming back to a worn-out, discouraged, shell-shocked, Russia which has changed beyond recognition and is wandering about in search of itself."
  - ALEXANDER SOLZHENITSYN (1918-2008)
  
  
  
  After what I have seen while traveling to Russia to adopt Michael, I could not agree more.
  
  
  
  More from AP:
  Alexander Solzhenitsyn shook the foundations of Soviet power with his haunting accounts of the forced labour camps. He was awarded the Nobel Prize for literature in 1970 and was expelled from the Soviet Union in 1974.
  
  He returned to Russia in 1994 in a train journey to Moscow that started in the city of Magadan, where countless thousands perished in the camps. At every stop along the way, he was greeted by large crowds of fans.
  
  But his gloomy harangues on Russian television about the perils of imitating the West and the need to revive Orthodox values were then widely unpopular, although his views have a bigger following in the Russia of today.
  
  Most recently, he campaigned for greater local self-government in Russia, criticising former president Putin for rolling back democratic freedoms. He also praised Putin, however, for reviving Russia's greatness.
  
  Live Not By Lies - An Essay by Alexander Solzhenitsyn

8/3/2008 - Sunday

• 8/3/2008 11:12:37 PMHard Fought VictoriesHere are some of the things Michael has conquored or is still working on.  Each of these items represent a battle for control.  In the cases where we "won" the battle, Michael was actually the winner.
  
  Victories (or near victory)
  - Brushing his teeth (and consistently doing a good job at it)
  - Eating brocolli and other green vegetables (without gaging)
  - Eating cheese
  - Drinking milk
  - Bending his knees
  - Walking and the willingness to walk
  - Running and the willingness to run
  - Getting up on his toes
  - Standing up straight (rather than hunched over like a gorilla)
  - Sitting up straight
  - Streaching his leg muscles
  - Riding a bicycle
  - Swimming
  - Speaking English
  - English Alphabet
  - Counting to 100 and beyond
  
  Works In Progress:
  - Taking a bath and cleaning his body
  - Wiping his butt thoroughly
  - Washing his hands after using the bathroom
  - Walking upright (back straight, head and eyes forward - not at the ground)
  - Squatting with knees bent and butt all the way down
  - Kneeling on the floor
  - Getting up and down to and from the floor
  - Streaching and flexing his leg muscles
  - Going up and down the stairs without swinging his butt from side to side
  - Going up and down the stairs without turning his feet sideways on each step
  - Going up the stairs on his toes
  - Going down the stairs by slowly lowering himself to the next step
  (rather than locking his knee and crashing down on the next step with a stiff legg)
  - Moving around without having his hands and arms spaz out uncontrollably or make motions as if he has no idea what his limbs are doing.
  - Remembering the last thing that was said to him
  - Following directions
  - Staring at people and lurking
  - Lying and telling stories laced with untruth
  - Manipulation of other people (including us)
  
  Most of Michael's major issues seem to surround his health, personal hygene and his general unwillingness to make any significant changes to correct the issues he has with his legs and knees.  It is hard to address his other behaviorial problems because the care of his body and staying on him to be mindful of good habbits is so time consuming.
  
  At this point, it is difficult to get a clear picture of the person that Michael actually is.  He so often puts on a facade and tries to do or say what he thinks you want to see or hear.  He often attempts to alter people's perceptions of him in a positive way or to his advantage.  One of the ways that Michael will answer you when you address him or ask him a question is, "If I say 'blah blah blah', then you will say..."  This would seem to imply that he has considered the possible responses to his answer and he is trying to choose one that is preferred.  There is a word for that behavior: "calculating".
  
  On a positive note, he has shown a good willingness to help out with work around the house and has taken to doing his house hold chores without making much of an issue of the work.  For example, he is responsible for providing food and water to the rabbit, collecting eggs, brushing the dog, emptying half of the dishwasher.
  
  There are obviously some chores he likes better than others, but he has not complained about doing the work - although he frequently makes excuses as to why he didn't do them.  I believe that in most cases, when he has not done his daily work he has simply forgotten.  Rather than just saying that, he often likes to bring up Ellie's name or some other mysterious force that prevented him from doing what he was supposed to.  I tell him, "If you forgot, then just say 'I forgot' and then go and do your chores".  This comment is usually met with a blank stare and I usually have to go and tell him, "now go and do your chores".
  
  In my frustration, I have done more research on orphan and adopted child behavior.  It would seem that much of what we've seen in Michael so far is not "unusual" although it is new for us.  In speaking with other friends who have adopted internationally, many relayed stories of the very same things that we have seen.  They are tales of distrubing and/or irrating behavior that gets addressed repeatedly - day after day and doesn't seem to come to conclusion.  
  
  In short, there seems to be a big disconnect in Michael's mind between cause and affect.  He continues with a particualr behavior and cannot make the mental link to the consequences of that behavior.  I'm not sure if I am encouraged or discouraged by this.  At the beginning of Michael's stay with us, I believed that most of his behaviors were simply training related issues.  Once he adjusts to a routine, appropriate behavior will follow.  As the months have passed and we were still wrestling with the same issues, I began leaning towards Michael's behavior as a puzzle to be solved.  This means I am using reason and logic to get to the bottom of his special quirks.  His behavior still does not make sense to me.
  
  Is this behavior:
  - a result of "Minor brain disfunction"
  - Michael personality specific
  - Orphan specific
  - Adopted child specific
  - Russian culture specific
  
  The more I know, the more it seems that there is no easy "answer" or "solution" to be found.  Only something that we must learn to live with and handle appropriately.  Perhaps Michael is more like Shrek - an onion with many layers to be pealed back slowly and carefully.  I had been told that adoption is not for the faint of heart.  Nothing could be more true.
  
  Lord - give us the strength and wisdom to be the parents he needs.