7/28/2009 - Tuesday

• 7/28/2009 8:11:18 AMKademyanKademyan is the word you say as a replacement word for the name of the town that is just a few miles north of your town after your dad tells you the name of the town but you forgot because were not paying attention.
  
  The actual name of the town is "Coleman" and it is just a few miles north of our town which is "Lena".  The reason I tell this story is that it illustrates a key aspect to Michael's behavior and reasoning abilities.
  
  Each morning, the kids and I get up early, eat breakfast, read the Bible, and talk about life.  We've been doing this for many years - long before Michael entered our lives.  This is "Daddy" time, "Learning" time, "Bonding" time - whatever you want to call it, it is a special part of the day where I get to share with the kids before I head off to work.  This morning, we discussed the layout of our town.  Michael drew a very quick and sloppy map of Lena that looked remarkably like a tic-tac-toe game.  I asked him, "what is that?".  "This is Lena.  I saw you draw it once", he replied.
  
  I'm fairly certain I never drew the layout of Lena like that.  "Well could you draw it for me?", he asked.  "Sure", I said.  I drew out all of the main roads that intersect in "downtown" Lena.  I drew in the highway and the local country roads.  I drew in our road in relation to the other roads.  Then I drew in some arrows on the ends of the roads and wrote in the name of the places where those roads headed.  If you head north on Hwy 141 from Lena, the next town you encounter is Coleman.  So that is what I wrote on his paper - "C O L E M A N".
  
  Now - keep in mind - I just told him the name of the town and I spelled it out for him both verbally and written on his paper map.  
  
  Michael: How do you spell that?
  Dad: How do you spell what?
  Michael:  "Kademyan".
  Dad: What is "Kademyan"?
  Michael: That one thing.
  Dad: What are you talking about?
  
  So Michael brings me his paper and points to the word "C O L E M A N".
  
  Peggy has been homeschooling Michael and working on spelling and reading for some time now.  He is making progress but is definitely behind where he should be.  "Coleman" is a word he should be able to read, but perhaps not spell correctly.  One of the main problems that this scenario illustrates is that Michael likes to take the easy way out when it comes to problem solving.  Rather than attempt to use his reading skills and apply them to the word that I just wrote for him, or to identify any of the letters in the word, he would ask me for the answer.
  
  So I begin to question him about the conversation we just had less than 30 seconds ago and I explain to him again the layout of the map.  Within a minute or so, he turns around and begins to walk away.  Apparently this was either information overload or something else was on his mind and he wanted to pursue thinking about that instead.  Either way, I believe it is a further indicator of ADD, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, or as the Russian doctors put it "Minor Brain Dysfunction".
  
  Dad:     Where are you going?  You asked me for help and brought me your paper and you're walking away.
  Michael: I just thought...  I just...  Well I was...  Nevermind.  I was going to go look at that because... Well Ellie...  It was...
  
  Clearly his mind drifted off to something else.  This type of behavior is "normal" when it comes to living with Michael.  Learning is a very frustrating process for him.
  
  After I called him back and reminded him that his mind had drifted away for a moment there, we went over the map again - this time Ellie was also watching.  She compared the accuracy of the map she drew with the one I drew for Michael.   Michael went back to the table and sat down and Ellie began asking more detailed questions about the map.  I explained to her where the train tracks were, where our road was and various houses on it.  Where the gas station was, the school, the bakery and all the other "major landmarks" of Lena.  She was content with my answers and sat down.
  
  Now realizing that Ellie possessed more information than he, Michael asked Ellie to fill in his map with any missing features that might be present on her map.  This is another key Michaelism - get someone else to do the work for you.  Again - learning is hard work and in his mind, the best bet is always to take the short cut.  If you can't get out of doing something, get someone else to do it for you.  This normally works great unless - you're swimming, taking a test, being punished for some reason, or are generally responsible for the outcome.
  
  Michael has come a long way since he came to live with us.  He also has so far to go.

7/19/2009 - Sunday

• 7/19/2009 4:29:20 PMSebaka has died Today was a sad day in our household.  Our family dog for the last 9 and a half years died quite suddenly and a little unexpectedly.
  
  Roy was an 85 lb. Golden Retriever that was born in our home in October of 1999.  It was during the night that his mother gave birth - first to him and then eight other puppies, one of which was stillborn.  The other puppies were either sold or given away to family.  Roy stayed with us and enjoyed the casual life of a country dog.  He liked to sleep on the bed of my oldest daughter or on the sofa when no one was looking.  He was particularly fond of tissues from the trash and rolling in stinky things on our land.
  
  When Michael came to our home in 2007, the first thing he saw when he entered our home was Roy.  As with any dog, there was excitement, some barking, prancing around, and of course tail waging.  At 3:30 AM, Michael entered our house and shouted out with joy, "Sebaka!!!" - which is the Russian word for dog.
  
  
  Over the last year or so, we could see that Roy was slowing down.  His face was nearly white and he was slightly over weight.  Perhaps that is because one of his favorite activities was eating milk bones.  For what ever strange reason, everyone in the house enjoyed giving them to Roy - for any reason, or no reason at all.  Roy was OK with that.
  
  Roy's mother, and two of Roy's siblings have developed some kind of tumors under their skin.  Roy had approximately five tumors that were all around the size of golf balls.  Some slightly larger, some smaller.  They didn't seem to bother him too much but I suspect that what they were doing on the inside of his body was the root cause of his death.
  
  On Saturday morning, Roy was moving particularly gingerly.  He was slow to respond to verbal commands.  I don't think he was disoriented in any way because when I called to him, it seemed obvious that he wanted to get up and come by me.  He just couldn't because of pain and discomfort.  He laid around most of the day.  Ellie and Michael had given him some treats earlier in the day but by afternoon, he didn't want anything to do with food.
  
  I called for him to come outside so that he could relieve himself.  He got up very slowly and walked the 10 or so steps to the door.  When he saw the half step down through the door way, followed by the four steps from the porch to the ground - he stopped.  Apparently this was a challenge that he was not up to.  Peggy and I carried him outside where he just stood in the grass.  He attempted to squat down but just couldn't do it.  He collapsed under his own weight and pain.  There he laid.  Wanting to respond, but unable to do so.
  
  I sat outside with him for an hour or so.  The breeze was getting cooler and the light was beginning to fade.  Roy laid there panting heavily and periodically having some kind of muscle cramping/spasm.  He was in pain.  I knew he was not going to walk anymore so I picked him up and carried him into the house.  At 85 lbs., being completely off of the ground and moving without using his own strength was awkward for both him and I.  Not only was he in pain, but he was probably quite fearful that I would drop him.  I set him down in our pantry where he usually lays and he just stood there trying to recover from the trip in.  Peggy brought him some extra rugs for him to lay on and be as comfortable as possible.  Sometime during the night or early morning hours, Roy slipped away.
  
  We got the kids up a little earlier Sunday morning and told them of what had happened.  Peggy and I were interested to see Michael's reaction to the news.  Since all of this happened so fast we weren't exactly sure at this time about the root cause.  We had previously read that in some cases, adopted children can be abusive towards animals.  Although we hadn't observed this in Michael, we wanted to be sure that he was not in any way associated with Roy's death.
  
  One thing that did come to light - again - was Michael's lack of cause and effect thinking.  While he knew that Roy had died and that we were all sad, it didn't immediately occur to him that our sadness was due to Roy's death.  Perhaps he knew that sadness often occurs at or around the time of tragic events, but I'm not certain that he realized the event was the cause of the sadness.  If you have not adopted an abused institutionalized child or been around people with psychological problems, you may not be able to understand what I mean.
  
  Michael did however realize that the passing of Roy created an opportunity to get a new dog.  He made some tactless comments to one of the other kids about Roy and the breed of dog he was.  I believe that Michael does not know how to handle grief or loss even though he has lost more than all of us put together.  Dealing with pain is something we are working on with him.
  
  After we returned from church, my oldest son and I dug a grave and we all had a short "good-bye" ceremony.  We laid Roy in the dirt, thanked God for his life and the joy he brought to our lives, and we covered him up.  The girls set flowers on the fresh earth and we reminded each other of some of the aspects of Roy's life that stood out to us and will be missed.  
  
  Michael finally cried and I think he was able to put all the mental puzzle pieces together.  We walked back to the house quietly with Michael lagging behind.  He didn't want anyone to see his face and red watery eyes.  When we got back into the yard, I reminded him of the joy he first had when he stepped into our lives over two years ago.
  
  SEBAKA!!!!!
  
  

7/16/2009 - Thursday

• 7/16/2009 7:41:14 PMPerception and RealityOne of the main problems with lying, deception and in this case - exaggeration - is that the consequences always catches up with you. In today's episode of "Michael knows best", Michael convinces Grandma that he can swim.
  
  Michael: Grandma I can swim!
  Grandma: Really?  Oh that's great!
  Mom:     Michael, you cannot swim.
  Michael: Well I can a little bit
  
  Truth:   Michael cannot swim at all.  He is skinny, bony and has almost no fat on his body.  He sinks like a rock.
  
  The following day, Mom brings Michael to swimming lessons at the local beach.  While in the 4 foot area, Michael plays with a flotation board.  It slips from his grip and begins to drift past the buoys and into slightly deeper water.  
  
  This is not a problem for our self-deceived swimming pro.  Michael bounces up and down a few times, moves over to the board and begins to grasp for it.  With all of his flailing around, he unintentionally pushes the board a little farther out.  Then... the drop off.  Whoops!  Under he goes.
  
  Bob up, Bob down, Bob up, Bob down... still down.
  
  SPLASH!  Into the water goes the life guard.  Michael is safe and saved from the near fatal consequences of his own actions.
  
  Lifeguard: Mom, Did you see that?  Michael had some trouble and I had to jump in and get him.
  Mom:       That's funny, he was just telling Grandma that he knew how to swim.
  Lifeguard: How did that work out for you Michael?
  Michael:   Not so good.
  
  Once upon a time I was told by a former boss of mine that "Perception Is Reality".  In truth, they are not the same but the practicality of it is that what a person perceives to be true can have the same or nearly the same effect as if it were actually true.  Perceived truth can invoke the same response as actual truth.  This sort of psychobabble is all fine and good until you get into deep water.