8/20/2009 - Thursday
- 8/20/2009 9:43:32 PMPositive and NegativeRecently it came to my attention that this blog may be too negative sounding and perhaps even have a negative effect on international adoption and in particular - adoption of children from Russia. Let me be very clear on the purpose of this blog and what my goals are.
We (my wife and I) had been considering adoption and/or foster care for a long time before we made the decision to actually do anything about it. It must have been at least 15 years ago that helping orphans first entered my mind. I had seen a news special on either 60 minutes or 20/20 about the awful conditions in some Romanian orphanages and the abuses that took place there. It was not so much of the direct abuse and neglect that came at the hands of the caregivers (if that is what they are to be called) that caught my attention. It was the after-effects of the care (or lack of it). Children who were barely fed and locked in cages like animals became like animals. Children learned to abuse one another while trying to survive and establish some kind of pecking order in very harsh conditions. As I watched the news video, it became clear that these orphanages were little more than factories that were producing damaged humans who would later be thrown away.
What becomes of these "damaged humans" when they leave the "care" of the orphanage? For that matter, to what extent does the word "damaged" actually cover? It is the answer to these types of questions that I am attempting to address in this blog. I am working the answers out in my mind with the hope that some other prospective adoptive parent can somehow benefit from what we have learned. I have a somewhat distinctive story telling style in my writing and I like to pull in other stories and create analogies. These help me to see clearer, understand what is going on, and put things into perspective. That is how I write. Consider it a parable if you will and try to follow along.
Today's Question: After reading the Adoption Project blog, should people consider adopting children, particularly "damaged" children?
Consider the following story:
Once upon a time, Captain Edward John Smith was commanding the Titanic and heading across the Atlantic Ocean. We all know the story: the ship hits an ice burg and sinks. 1500 people perish, including him. Now imagine for a moment that you are on board that ship on the fateful night. Perhaps you're thinking, "I know how this is going to end and I'm probably going to die". You begin to work out a plan in your mind to alter history and prevent the accident. You want to survive so you decide that you're going to go and "visit" with Captain Smith, explain the situation and somehow get him to slow down and alter his course.
You make your way up to the command deck and there you meet the captain. You introduce yourself and then immediately engage him in conversation. "You know Captain Smith, there's a lot of ice burgs out here and you've got the ship going kind of fast. It's very dark and if you don't slow down, you will not have enough time to react and turn or stop the ship when you encounter an ice burg. You will end up hitting one which will cause the ship to sink into icy water. Anyone who does not immediately drown will freeze to death in the water while waiting for help to arrive".
"I know that", says the captain.
In the story above, Captain Smith knew very well the potential consequences of his actions but he did them anyway. He was warned about going too fast in the icy waters of the North Atlantic and many people paid with their lives for his mistake. Here is my point: he knew the right course of action to take in order to prevent catastrophe, but he actively didn't choose that. He went to bed after his shift and "hoped" that things would work out positively.
Here comes the big question... wait for it... Have you really done anything to alter the events of the future? Either in the proposed account of the Titanic above or in the case of a child that is not your own.
During the process of our adoption of Michael, I had frequent discussions with certain people regarding the interpretation of James 1:27. The main question from this passage was always, are we to "visit" the orphans and widows or are we to "care" for them. Most bibles I have seen clearly use the word "visit" in that passage. However when taken in context in this passage and others like it, we are called to care for them. "Visiting" is something you do at Grandma's house for the afternoon or what you get busted for in school during a math lesson.
Could I properly "care" for Michael or some other child in his position by "visiting" him or sending him some kind of "care package" while he lived at the hands of some orphanage workers? No - I could not. If I am to take the Lord's command to "love my neighbor as myself" seriously, then I could not in good conscience leave him there to rot and die. In short, my wife and I were compelled by the Holy Spirit to take him into our home. This blog represents the account of a family bringing someone who is considered "expendable" or a "throw-away" into their home for the purpose of glorifying God and "undoing" the damange that was done to this child. We are attempting to reset and restore him spiritually, physically, emotionally, and mentally.
In the process of addressing Michael's situation, there must be an evaluation of his condition. This is a common theme in the Adoption Project blog. If I could say one thing that I failed to do or underestimated while entering into this journey, it was that I did not fully consider the depth of my role in the process as being one of a psychologist studying the behavior of a psychologically damanged person. I considered Michael's life to be a lump of unformed clay and that by applying consistent, steady, firm, guidance and structure he could overcome his setbacks. While this is somewhat true, it is also like centering a lump of clay on a wheel. Talking about the centering technique and performing it are two different things. For the person who does it, whether they do it correctly and get the clay centered or not, their hands will be dirty from the process.
I wish this were simply a "happy blog" where everything was magical. That is not realistic and it certainly does not reflect the facts of life in this world. Life is hard. For some people, it is close to unbearable. Go read the book of Job. Go to google video and watch Children of Leningradsky. That video will blow your mind.
Here is what I think - people who stick to the "visit the orphans" mentality don't want to get their hands dirty. It is easy for them to be critical.
8/14/2009 - Friday
- 8/14/2009 1:47:10 PMBlack, Brown, Red, GreenWhat is black, brown, red, and green? In my entire life, I can't think of one single thing I have ever seen on earth that has all of those four colors at the same time. There are the "black hills", there is "brown potting soil", there is "blood", and there is "grass" - but I can't think of anything that has all of those particular colors. That is, until now.
So there I am, sitting in my chair, reading a book. Michael comes up to me and says, "hey Dad!". For a moment there, I thought I had fallen into a sewer filled with the corpses of decaying rats covered in human refuse. The smell of death had completely engulfed me and waves of nausea came over me. After my vision returned, I looked up to Michael who was standing over me. I realized what the smell was and where it was coming from.
I asked Michael to open his mouth wide and stop breathing. I peered inside and there I came face to face with death and decay. When I was a kid, the local dentist would visit my school and show large disgusting horror show like pictures of tooth decay. He would say, "Don't let this happen to you"! I thought he was just using some kind of scare tactic and that teeth like that were not real.
I remember watching Captain Kangaroo and the Tooth Brush Family each weekday morning. I can still hear their song:
Brush your teeth,
round and round,
circles small,
gums and all.
A small soft toothbrush
the round and round way
will keep your gums healthy
and stop tooth decay
so brush very carefully
three times a day
go round and round. YEA!
go round and round. YEA!
Dental care has been the source of anguish for Michael. I am fairly certain that no one ever taught him good oral hygiene and allowed his teeth to rot out of his head. When he visited us in 2007, we brought him to our local dentist where we learned of the extensive fillings and hack jobs that had been done in his mouth. His first experience with American Style Oral Torture is when I brushed his teeth for him for the first time. If you were a casual observer at that moment, you might have thought that I had lit his tongue on fire from the way he was reacting.
I had my left arm around his shoulders and I was brushing his teeth with my right hand. I had to support his body weight with my left arm because he was trying to drop to his knees and bending backwards and pulling his head as far away from me as possible. It is a day I will never forget.
Anyway - back to our story. I'm looking in Michael's mouth and there are at least 4 dead or mostly rotten teeth in there. Two of them are very red with some green and brown, the other two are very black and brown with some green. "Have you been brushing?", I ask. I should have known better than to ask because I know I'm going to get a story laced with half truth. You know, being untruthful about brushing your teeth is a lot like telling Grandma that you can swim when you can't. Both the water in the lake where you swim and tooth decay are unforgiving forces. You can lie all you want about them but in the end, all the lies in the world will not save you when you get in trouble.
We had previously taken Michael to the dentist and were informed that most of the rotten teeth in his mouth are baby teeth. I guess you could call that "good news". Some are adult teeth had cavities and the dentist filled them accordingly. The other teeth were left in there so that he would have something with which to chew his food.
Generally speaking, Michael does a terrible job at brushing his own teeth. We've gone over the specifics of brushing round and round, getting each tooth thoroughly, flossing... all of it - many, many times. Just like wiping his own butt, or combing his own hair, he turned this in to a control/power struggle game and we have more or less refused to fight this battle. They are his teeth and he will pay the consequences of not listening. We have given him a small kitchen timer and told him to brush for 3 minutes. Upper left, upper right, upper middle, lower left, lower right, lower middle, then the tongue. After that, use some antiseptic mouth wash for a minute.
I took Michael in the bathroom and had him look in the mirror at his teeth. Then I took some digital photos and blew them up on the computer so he could see them up close and personal. I asked him, "What do you think will happen when that black stuff goes deeper into your tooth?". "It will go into the root", he said. "After it goes through the root, where will it go next?", I asked. "Um...." - No response from Michael. I said, "It will go into your jaw bone." "I didn't think of that", Michael responded.
Of course he didn't think about that. That is a "tomorrow" kind of question and we all know that "tomorrow never comes" and "actions have no consequences" so there is no point in thinking about it. "Well - tomorrow is here and you have dead things in your mouth and they are growing a bumper crop of decay. Everyone you talk to knows it." I pointed Michael to the two red teeth and told him to start rocking them back and forth and pull them out. He was able to get both of them out fairly quickly and put them into a zip lock sandwich bag. Of course, he wanted a dollar for each of them from the Tooth Fairy - but that is another story.
When he brushes, if that is what is actually going on in his mouth, there seems to be very little rhyme, reason, or pattern to his efforts. I told him whatever you're doing, it isn't working and perhaps he could try the things we've showed him a thousand times. Then I show him the bag of black, brown, red, and green teeth. I have him open the bag and smell. "YUCK!! That is gross", he says.
Then I explain to him, "Imaging mixing a gob of spit in with those teeth and then drinking it down". "That is GROSS Dad!", Michael exclaims. "That is exactly what you were doing when they were in your mouth", I said. "All that spit with the decay went right into your stomach. Where did it go from there?", I ask. "All over my body", he responds.
I remind Michael that his random brushing pattern does not work and he needs to change his strategy. Here it comes.... I brace myself. "But Dad, I go like this, and like that!", Michael says excitedly. I show him his rotten teeth again. I have him smell them again. "But Dad, look! This is how I do it!", he exclaims again. Michael is very insistent that his techniques work and that it is his teeth that somehow have a manufacturers defect. I show him his teeth again. I ask him if he wants to smell them again. "No.", he says. Even in the face of overwhelming evidence that what he is doing is not correct nor "good enough", he is defiant.
"Just brush the ones you want to keep", I tell him.
8/13/2009 - Thursday
- 8/13/2009 9:58:55 PMSenseless Continuous LyingLast night Michael decided he wanted to work with some glue upstairs in his room. He came down and asked mom. "Can I use some wood glue? I want to work on my airplane."
Michael has a wooden model bi-plane that he got for his birthday. He has the wings glued, the wheels are on, the tail is mounted to the body. All that is left is to do is glue the main wings to the body and put the propeller on.
Mom replies, "Sure, go and get your plane bring it down stairs and you can work on it at the table."
Michael responds, "Can I use a drill? I need to put my propeller on my plane."
What happened to the glue? Why do you now need a drill and you're not going to bring your plane down and use some glue on it like you just asked?
crickets... um... some incoherent mumbling... um... more crickets... more mumbling about some kind of popcicle sticks... um...
Michael goes up stairs and back into his room to look at a book. A few minutes later, I go into his room and ask him about what just happened.
"Why did you lie about the glue and the plane?", I ask.
Michael: "I just... well I... I... I'm trying to think... Just a minute... I... I don't know."
As it turns out, Michael has also been working on a home-made boat/raft made of popcycle sticks. He alternates working on his plane and the raft and keeps both of them on his little desk.
Mom, "Why didn't you just ask me about gluing the raft? My answer would have been the same. I would have told you to go and get your raft, bring it down stairs and work on it at the table".
Michael: "I just thought my chances would be better if I asked about the plane".
I cannot tell you how many times this cycle has played out in our house. It is usually about something stupid that has no baring on anything of importance. Perhaps half of the time he lies with the intention of deceiving you or hiding his intentions about something. I know this because he will later admit to having previous thought about and making the decision to lie because he thought the odds were in his favor to do so. There is a word for this and it is "premeditated". He continues this despite the fact that the success rate of getting what he wants by lying about it is near zero. The other half of the time, he will lie for no apparent reason. Regardless of the underlying reason, deceit is ALWAYS the first thing that comes into his mind and out of his mouth when he contemplates how to acquire something he wants.
For example, if Michael is walking through the house and headed towards the book shelf and I see him walking but I don't know where his is coming from or where he is headed, I might ask "where are you going?". He will respond, "I am going outside to pet the cats." - which is totally untrue. Then he might do something like go out to the barn and check for eggs or go and play with a stick or ball. Then when I ask him, "I thought you were going out to pet the cats" all I get is a blank stare. Sometimes the blank stare is followed by another lie.
Lies to cover lies. Deception and misdirection. These are Michael's ways.
I ask him about this and he doesn't know why. Neither do I.
Thank God we are not alone -
Older Child Adoption Issues: Lying (yet again) - 8/13/2009 1:55:16 PMOf Pyramids and PrideRecently I became aware of a fascinating piece of Wisconsin history - the existence of Aztalan. This is the site of an ancient Mississippian settlement and also the remains of some cool pyramids. Imagine that - pyramids in Wisconsin!
So I'm telling Michael about this and discussing a trip we will be making there very soon. I said to him, "from what I understand, the settlement is about 1000 years old. That is just slightly older than Moscow."
Check out the following links if you're interested in learning more about either Aztlan or Moscow:
- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aztalan,_Wisconsin
- http://www.wisconsinhistory.org/turningpoints/tp-003/?action=more_essay
- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moscow
Michael's response, "I don't believe that."
"Why not?", I asked. He stood there sputtering for a moment and then began to talk about the great flood of Noah's age, Adam and Eve, the Tower of Bable. I said, "Huh? What are you talking about?"
My initial assessment was that Michael was having some trouble understanding time or time-lines and perhaps he wasn't sure where any of the mentioned topics fell into historical order. I briefly covered some global history, formation of the earth, Adam and Eve, the flood, tower of Babel, a little talk about Israel, Christ's birth, the founding of Moscow...
Nope! I should have known better than to confuse him with any facts. As soon as I mentioned "Moscow", his mind was made up. One thing we have definitely learned about Michael is his sense if pride when it comes to Russia and everything Russian. In his mind (and the mind's of many other Russians as well), Russia is first, best, oldest... you name it. The originator and source of all things.
Don't get me wrong, I know that Moscow is a very old city with a lot more history than the entire United States. Russia is also much closer to the "cradle of civilization" than America - both geographically and historically. But let's keep this discussion in perspective. We are talking about North American People who were walking around and establishing culture and community in Wisconsin before the city of Moscow was established - not before time existed or before Adam and Eve or about a separate group of people who somehow also survived the flood.
It didn't matter. Once he has his mind made up, there is little use in trying to tell him otherwise. Although you can continue to speak with Michael, and he may even outwardly nod his head while you speak - he clearly does not agree with you when you present him with the facts. So we will travel to Aztlan and let Michael stand on a piece of history. Then he can work it out in his own mind.
