Adoption Project

Warts

Tue, 05 Jan 2010 12:30:00 CST

Michael is a right-handed person and has warts on his right hand. He also has them in the places where ever his right hand can reach. This includes his crack, up the right side of his torso, around his right nipple, and the right side of his face ? in particular ? about 1 inch below his right eye.

I told him, "You know that is a virus don't you? It can spread to anywhere or anything you touch. Think for a moment about all the places you put your fingers."

"Yuck!", he exclaims.

"That's right", I say. "How did you get that one in your crack? Did you put it there before or after you ate your boogers? By the way, have you looked up inside your nose lately?"

So he's got this horn looking wart peak sticking out of his right cheek just below his eye. It has a head on it and I'm a little reluctant to put any Compound-W on it because it is so close to his eye. None of the kids (or Mom or I) like to touch him because as I mentioned ? warts spread. Perhaps this sounds like a terrible thing for a parent to feel or say, but keep in mind, Michael is a person of intent. He seldom does things on accident but rather devises short sighted and poorly thought out plans to achieve some kind mentally and emotionally stimulating "quick-fix". The last thing anyone wants is for him to suddenly decide that he wants to rub one of his warts on us. So what does Michael do? He positions himself in front of anyone he can, looks them in the face, and then begins to pick at his facial wart with his long dirty fingernails.

I said to him, "what are you doing?".

"I don't know Dad", he replies.

"Why are you doing this?", I ask again.

"I know it irritates you and mom", he says.
(* This is always a stunner when it comes out of his mouth. I wish I was kidding about it but it is the truth. *)

"Don't you know that this could spread into your eye?", I ask?

As Michael's mental gears come to a full grinding stop, the blank "deer in the headlights" stare emerges once again.

In computer programming terms, his condition might be demonstrated as follows:

If (brain.functioning = false) Then
facial.expression = BrainDead
End If

I'm not kidding. He has zero expression on his face. He stops blinking and his pupils dilate. Really! (Brain.Status = Off) Again ? I wish I was kidding about this, but it's the truth.

"Why would you want to irritate anyone by picking at a wart on your face?", I ask. "Why would you want to hurt yourself just to make other people angry?"

After a long silent period he says, "I don't know. I just wanted to."
(* The funny thing here is that I believe he is telling the truth. He just wanted to and he doesn't know why. *)

"Do you want people to be angry with you?", I ask.

Michael very quickly responds, "NO!"

"Then why would you try to irritate them?", I ask.

"I don't know", he answers.

Yesterday after he was busted picking away at "Mike's Peak", Peggy brought him in the bathroom and ripped it off. She put some triple-antibiotic cream on it and covered it with a band aid. There's nothing like having a band aid on your face to draw other people's attention. When I was in Jr. High School, this would be emotionally devistating for a young person but I guess in a strange way, Michael was satisfied with that.

I suppose he got what he wanted ? which was for people to notice him. You would think that this is some kind of a sign that perhaps deep inside during his formative years he felt like he was ignored or neglected. Perhaps he was, but his behavior is a little more sick than that and now there is no amount of attention that is enough to satisfy his inner emptiness. He will take anything and everything he can get - good attention or bad.

So last night when I got home, I had to bring the kids to 4-H. We all sat in a circle, talked, and played a game. During the game, they passed around a bag of candy. When it got to Michael, he looked at me to see if I was going to say, "go ahead". At this point, I don't honestly know if he remembered the events of the day or not. He has previously demonstrated that even when he is aware that he is being punished or Mom and Dad are unhappy with him, that doesn't stop him from trying to extract a treat through means of manipulation.

Not taking any chances, I took the bag from him and said, "maybe if you wouldn't try to irritate people by picking at your warts, you could have some candy". Then I opened up a peanut butter cup and ate it. Michael got the pleasure of watching the bag go around and around and all 15 of the other kids eat candy.

The sad thing about all of this is that a lesson like the candy example above which would normally work on any other child is ineffective on Michael. He just won't or can't learn the lesson that bringing joy to other people comes back to you as happiness and joy, but bringing irritation comes back to you as anger which brings neither happiness nor joy.

I talked to Peggy about an hour ago and he is at it again. Not with the wart this time but something else that is equally as stupid. There appears to be no end in sight.

Which World Do You Live In?

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:41:55 CST

In the Real world, stealing is wrong.
In Opposite world, stealing is right.
In Crazy world, stealing is neither wrong nor right. Neither necessary or unnecessary.
It just happens randomly because someone felt like doing it.

In the Real world, lying is wrong.
In Opposite world, lying is right.
In Crazy world, lying can be a means to an end... or not. It is often used in the same way as a hammer is sometimes used when a wrench or screw driver is required.

In the Real world, personal hygiene is good and good for you
In Opposite world, personal hygiene is bad and should be avoided
In Crazy world, personal hygiene is a random choice and the consequences of good or bad are totally unrelated to the choice and therefore random as well.

In the Real world, obeying your parents is good. When done properly, it will go well for you in the long run.
In Opposite world, parents are your enemy and are not to be trusted.
In Crazy world, parents are nothing more than "other people" and having associations with them may or may not be an advantage for you. In fact, if you ignore them, then they don't exist.

In the Real world, there are laws of nature and physics that we can count and rely upon.
In Opposite world, people fly, water runs up hill, the sun is dark, people breath water...
In Crazy world, if you want things to be a certain way, then they are... even if they aren't. Perception is reality even when encounters with reality prove otherwise.

In the Real world, causes lead to effects
In Opposite world, causes also lead to effects - just not the ones you would normally expect.
In Crazy world, causes and effects are meaningless and unrelated events that randomly occur without explanation or with an explanation that is not related to either the cause or the effect. But there have been some people who have been able to rely on them. Those people are a mystery too.

In the Real world, people are responsible for their own behavior and are held accountable for their actions
In Opposite world, no one is either responsible or held accountable for anything
In Crazy world, someone or something is always the cause for bad things and someone else always seems to get the blame for it. On the other hand, when something good happens, there is always someone available to take credit for it

In the Real world, truth has a concrete meaning and everyone knows what it is. It is also associated with "right" or "good"
In Opposite world, lies are associated with "right" and "good". In fact, it pays off to be a better liar.
In Crazy world, there is no such concept as truth or falsehood. No one knows the meaning of these words. Yet both truth and falsehood are commonly mixed together to create words and ideas that just "are".

In the Real world, places such as "Opposite World" and "Crazy World" are very real and definitely exist.
In Opposite world, like the real world, these other places exist except that everyone here thinks their in the "Real World".
In Crazy world, only "Crazy World" exists and everyone there is crazy except for me.

Michael's Dream

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 23:31:33 CST

Michael had a dream the other night where we all went "crazy". I heard about his dream second hand from Mom so I asked him about it.

"Everyone was going crazy", he said. "What do you mean?", I asked. "It was just crazy.", he answered.

I was hoping for more details than that so I will have to rely on what I heard second hand from Mom. Apparently the first person in our house to go "crazy" was Megan. This is very interesting because just a few days ago, Mom was telling Michael that Megan is one of the most mature and emotionally stable 16 year olds you will ever meet. She is an exceptional girl. It is nothing short of interesting that in Michael's dream, she was the first to be affected.

After Megan, came Ellie. She has for the most part, been Michaels' best friend in America. After this, pretty much everyone else just went "totally bonkers". So then, Michael - realizing that he was the only sane person left in the house - tried to call 911 and we wouldn't let him because, of course, we were all crazy.

In the same manner that Joseph spoke to Pharaoh - Mom said to Michael, "I think this is what your dream means. You think everyone else is crazy and you're normal. Well, I've got some news for you..."

She covered some of Michael's more bizarre behavioral anomalies and then asked him if he knows of other people who do such things. Then she asked him what he thought other people thought about him and us as a family.

To say the least, Michael is in some kind of puzzled quandary about all of this.

Journey into the land of confusion

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 21:58:57 CST

Yesterday I wrote about Michael's big laundry day and the 25 pairs of underwear he washed. As it turns out, he was able to hang 7 of them on his little clothes line and the other 18 had to go outside on the big clothes line. They all hung over night and in the morning, the 7 inside pairs were still damp. Since the November nights in Wisconsin are very cold, the outside pairs were frozen stiff.

In the morning, Michael got up and had to change his underwear. When he went looking for a dry pair, there were none to be found. It was then that he decided to open his "Russian" drawer which is filled with the clothes he brought with him from Russia. He is not to touch those things much less be wearing them. They are a special keepsake for him - a reminder, and they are not to be mixed in with his other regular clothes.

James reminded Michael of this and an argument followed. Michael said he was going to ask Mom about wearing them since he didn't have any dry underwear. I do not believe Michael had any intent of asking Mom about anything and had James not been there to stop him, he would have put them on without mentioning anything to Mom. There is no way to verify this, but based on past behavior - it is more likely than not. Is this a Federal crime? No, it isn't. It is simply a house hold rule. "Leave the Russian clothes alone". Period.

The arguing woke Mom up. Everything was re-hashed and discussed all over again which is not the sort of thing that anyone wants to do in the morning. The underwear hung all day and by evening they were all still a little damp. Michael wanted to put them away in his dresser but Mom told him not to because the moisture would cause mold to grow. Michael decided to put them away anyway.

When Mom went upstairs and found that only two pairs of damp underwear were on the clothes line, she looked in his drawer and found the other 23 pairs. She took them out and hung them back on the line to dry and then discussed the principles of damp clothing and mold growth with Michael again.

At bed time, I brushed Michael's teeth for him and he went upstairs. Once again, Michael determined that the damp clothes were dry enough to go into the drawer so he put them away. When Mom came up to bed, she checked his clothes line and again found two pairs of damp underwear hanging and the dresser filled with other damp pairs.

Once again, the damp underwear was taken out and hung. This time, Mom pulled out the dresser drawer and brought into our bedroom so that Michael might put 2 and 2 together and hopefully realize that he shouldn't be putting damp clothing into his dresser.

In the morning, Michael got up and I had a chance to talk with him about this and about writing "his" story. "You asked if I ever wrote anything good", I said. I recalled the details of the wet laundry and his dresser. Then I asked him, "how would you write this story?"

"I wouldn't", he answered.

This is a good point. What - if anything - should be remembered and written about, much less written in a format for the entire world to see? This is "his" story and he has demonstrated an entrenched thinking pattern that seems to believe that anything older than yesterday is ancient history. Anything between yesterday and two minutes ago is frequently ignored or forgotten. And further more, tomorrow never comes and neither to the consequences that will happen then.

Progress is made where progress is measured. Having said that, if you don't have some kind of baseline, how can you know if you have improved? We're not talking about industrial manufacturing, math scores or a spelling list here. This is a measurement of human behavior which is fraught with subjective observations. It is not an exact "science". This blog, much like a diary, is a record of progress.

Michael and I covered the details of his wet underwear again.
"Why did you put them in your dresser?", I asked.

"I thought they were dry", he said.

"Why do you think Mom pulled them out?", I asked.

"I don't know", he answered"

I handed Michael the clean pair of dry socks that I was going to wear to work and I asked him, "Did they feel dry like these?"

"A little bit.", he answered.

"If they felt - a little bit - like these... does that mean that they were a little bit wet too?", I asked.

Michael gives me the blank deer in the headlights stare.

I drew a number line on some paper that looked like the following

Soaking Wet |<----------------|------------------>| Bone Dry

I asked him to point to where he thought "a little bit dry" was.

"Well they felt dry", he continued.

"Why did you think they felt dry?", I asked.

"They were all stiff and hard", he answered.

"Why were they stiff and hard?", I asked.

"Because they were frozen.", he answered.

"What was frozen?", I asked.

"The ice", he answered.

"What is ice?", I asked.

"Frozen water.", he answered.

"What happens to ice when it warms up?", I asked.

Michael looked at me for a brief moment and then said, "that depends on how warm it is."

"Aaaahhh.... very crafty of you, young grasshopper", I thought.

"How about warming the ice up to the temperature in the house?", I asked.

"It would melt and be wet.", he answered.

Now I know what you're thinking... You're thinking that I've just led Michael out of the land of confusion and into the promised land of logic and reason. I wish that were the case. We went around and around with this same interchange and he honestly believes that his conclusion of icy and stiff clothing means that they are dry. Either that, or he knows he was wrong won't admit it. Perhaps if he sticks to his story long enough, the laws of physics will change and somehow it will be shown that he was right.

What I haven't said previously is that the underwear had been in the house for some time and that by the time he got around to putting them away, they were no longer icy and stiff but simply wet.

Realizing that he was now backed into a corner, Michael introduced a new aspect to his argument. "Well it was night time and it was dark".

I had him close his eyes and I then gave him the dry socks to feel again. "Did they feel like this?", I asked.

"A little bit." he answered.

We went around the logical circle a few more times again.

"Michael, you're so close to the answer. Why don't you admit that you knew they were wet and you wanted to put them away anyway?", I asked. "Why do you keep clinging to saying that you thought they were dry when you obviously knew they were not?"

Is this really a confusing issue for him, or is he intentionally trying to introduce irrelevant information or change the subject so that he doesn't have to go down the path where the only conclusion is that he chose to do what he wanted and it was wrong? Michael has expressed in the past that he wants to be "right". He seems to live for the day when he can say, "See! I told you so! I was right!". Unfortunately for him, he will never get there by "doing what he wants". He needs to figure out what "right" is, and go there regardless if it is what he wants or not. This is a source of mental conflict for him.

Just by going down this path of reasoning, it would seem to suggest that he thinks there is the potential that I am dumb enough to believe it. Interactions with him are filled with subtle nuances of deception. Sometimes they are not subtle but are quite blatant. For example, he said he couldn't tell if the underwear was wet or dry because it was dark. Perhaps he forgot that while it was indeed night and it was dark - the darkness was on the outside of the house. In his bedroom, it was light because he had the light turned on.

All of this led to Michael making the claim that he sometimes lies because other people push him into lying. I exclaimed, "What!?"

"Yes Dad. It does happen sometimes!", Michael said firmly and with an "as a matter of fact tone".

What Michael doesn't know is how true this is, but not for the reasons he thinks. I do believe that Michael increases the amount of his lies simply because I ask him about them and he answers by covering one lie with another. Had I not asked him about his lie in the first place and ignored him, the fertile ground of deception would not have existed for other lies to be planted. However, the initial lie which was done of his own choosing would still stand without any explanation.

Not letting on my own thoughts, I asked him to explain what he meant. Michael presented his case and started talking about the mysterious "lighter" incident. A few months ago, we found a cigarette lighter in a laundry pile. Michael's clothing was picked up off the ground to be put in the washing machine and a lighter fell out of the clothes from somewhere. Since this incident, Michael has stuck to the claim that he doesn't know anything about the lighter.

No one in our house is a smoker. We do have lighters in the house for burning trash or starting the grill, but none of them are like this one. It is clearly not something that originated from our home. To be fair, we had some repair men over working on our furnace. It is quite possible that one of them is the owner of the lighter and dropped it or left it behind on accident. However, since they finished their work, the laundry area had been cleaned up, all clothes washed, and new piles of dirty laundry brought down. This is when the lighter showed up.

I told Michael that I knew what his story was on this incident and I asked him to tell me about the lie he was pushed into saying.

"I said that I saw the lighter in the basement before mom found it", he answered.

"Well, did you actually see the lighter in the basement before mom found it?", I asked.

"Yes.", he answered.

Hmmmmm...???? I guess I was expecting him to give me the "corrected version" of his story. Instead, he just simply said the same thing he was always saying. Nothing in his story has changed. He is still holding to the notion that while he did "see" the lighter in the basement before mom found it in his clothing, he doesn't know how it might have gotten from where he saw it into his clothes.

"I'm confused.", I said. "What part is the lie?"

More of the deer in the headlights look. Sometimes when he is like this, I swear I can hear the faint sound of electrical sparks shooting across a shorted circuit. Bzzzzt Bzzzzt Crackle Bzzzzt Pop! A little poof of smoke when the circuit blows - then the overwhelming smell of sulfur. Yup. Too much for the brain. Now it's cooked.

This is what I get by following Michael down into a rat-hole of confusion. I should have known better. Somehow, I left the real world and entered crazy-world - a strange land where nothing makes sense.

What is a person to conclude from all of this? Is he trying to play the blame game by saying that it's someone else's fault that he tells lies and does bizarre things like putting wet underwear into his drawer?

I asked him one last question. "If you were going to write this part of the story of your life, how would you do it?"

"I don't know", he said.

Michael's Story

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 23:00:14 CST

After I wrote the previous post about Michael washing his underwear, he had the chance to hear and read it. He was amazed that someone was writing about him and that other people are reading his story.

I had talked with him about this blog and writing about him before. I told him that I have been writing since he first came to visit in 2007 and that this is "his" story. One day perhaps, I will put it in book form so that he can have his own copy with pictures and all. He seems to like that idea.

Since we have adopted, I have learned that they feel like "throw away people" and gotten the impression that they often feel like no one is listening or watching them. For that matter - that no one cares. Perhaps this is one of the things that drives Michael to seek so much attention. He cries out from his soul, "Look at me!. Look at me!". That in itself is a tragedy.

The downside to all of this is (wait... there are many downsides) Let me restate that. One of the bothersome parts is that Michael doesn't like his story and is somewhat embarrassed when he hears the tale of all of his shenanigans and foolishness. This is more than simply some feed back from Mom and Dad. It is written in black and white. Perhaps in his mind, this is the same as being written in stone. Somehow - it is more real.

On one of the previous early blog posts, I had put in a map from MapLoco of the world that indicated where all the blog readers were coming from. There were red dots indicating visitors from all the corners of the globe. Michael's eyes opened up wide when he saw that.

"Does Dad ever write about anything good?", Michael asked. Of course Michael had just read the story of his underwear and tooth brushing exploits so perhaps he was concerned about how other people might perceive him. Hiding what he is up to is a big deal for Michael. Perhaps so is hiding "who he really is" on the inside.

"I think so", said Mom. "Dad writes about the things you give him to write about. If you give him something good to write about, I'm sure he will write about that too."

Mom told him that this was "his" story and what a potentially powerful story it was. She reminded him that there are millions of other children around the world who had the same start that he did - which in a nutshell is the loss of everything important. She showed ho they are still stuck where they are and how there just aren't enough people who are willing to help. Someone needs to help them... but who? Who will stand in the gap for these kids and say, "here am I. I will go and help."

Mom continued, "Just think of how they could benefit from hearing the tale of a kid who lost everything" This includes losing parts of his mind, as well as his innocence. She told him to imagine the potential of taking his life and then turn it all around to live a life that glorified God and live to help others out of the same circumstances. WOW!

These were inspiring words for Michael to hear but living those words will be a long and difficult journey and there would be many things to overcome.

"How do you think your story is going to end?", Mom asked.

"I want it to end good", said Michael.

"How it ends is up to you", said Mom.

Remember what I previously said about Michael's views of Wanting verses Having. To him, they are nearly the same.

I want to be his little cheer-leader. The Dad who roots him on from the corner. "Come On Michael! You Can Do It! Put the puzzle pieces together and see the big picture! Show me a sign! Give me a ray of hope!"

It seemed like a good idea

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 13:07:32 CST

Perhaps I've mentioned in previous posts that Michael has a problem cleaning himself after he uses the bathroom (front and back). Specifically, he doesn't like to wipe his butt and when he chooses to do so, he doesn't do a very good job.

There are both natural and unnatural consequences to this sort of behavior. Some natural consequences might be a red itchy butt that doesn't seem to go away or underwear that is loaded with either brown stripes or smears of ... yuck. An unnatural consequence occurs with things like Mom refusing to wash such underwear and the offender being left to manage this responsibility by themselves. I suppose you could argue that this too is an "natural" consequence but no matter how you look at it, this is what has happened at our house.

For the past several months, one of Michael's daily chores is to hand wash his own underwear and hang them to dry on a small clothes line in his room conveniently located next to his bed. Periodically, Mom will check to see that this chore is being done.

Now, Michael is perhaps one of the laziest people in the world and he is always looking for a short-cut when it comes to tasks that he doesn't like. What he always fails to realize is that his kind of short cut seldom works out for the best.

For example, Michael doesn't like to brush his teeth. His idea of a short cut is to not brush them. In fact, he will go to extensive lengths to create the illusion that brushing is going on - even to the point of having the illusion be more time consuming and more involved than performing the actual task of brushing.

In his mind, "wanting" good teeth is just like "having" good teeth. There is a minor conflict in the fact that healthy teeth are generally white and stay in your mouth and unhealthy ones can come in a variety of colors such as black, brown, red, and green and they rot out. Michael ignores such discrepancies as an "unexplainable anomaly". Case closed. Then there is this other issue of not having any teeth with which to chew your food. Another unexplainable anomaly that is unrelated to brushing.

In the case of itchy butts, dirty underwear, and time wasting laundry - the short-cut solution was simple. Take the dirty underwear downstairs and go into the bathroom and pretend to wash them. Sometimes the illusion might even go so far as to turn the water on just in case anyone is listening or maybe even to get the underwear wet. Then put the still dirty underwear on the clothes line in the bedroom so as to give the illusion of spring fresh laundry hanging on warm sunny day. The final step in the process is to place the still dirty underwear back into the dresser drawer along side the few remaining clean underwear. Surely no one would notice the lingering stench of crack.

It was not long before the itchy butt thing mysteriously returned and mom checked over the results of Michael's laundry task.

You know, in most people's minds - when you put two and two together, you get four. In fact, Michael himself is able to do this equation and he "seems" to know that nothing good ever seems to come out of his shenanigans, but yet he does them anyway hoping for the one chance in a million that he will "get away with" something. I just don't get it.

So, last night while we ate dinner and watched a movie, Michael enjoyed the pleasure of washing every single pair of underwear he owns. We kept a bucket containing the dirty underwear in by us while he scrubbed one pair in the bathroom. We used a timer set that was set to four minutes. When the timer went off, he could rinse out the clean underwear and come and exchange it for a dirty pair. It took him about 2.5 hours to get through all of his underwear.

Periodically I would go into the bathroom and check on his progress. It was obvious that he was unhappy. He looked at me and said, "I don't like this. I should have wiped my butt".

"Why didn't you?", I asked.

"Because I didn't want to", he replied.

"Do you like washing all of your underwear by hand?", I asked.

"No.", he answered.

"Are you going to start wiping your butt?", I asked.

"Yes." he said

"Are you telling me that the war about this is over?", I asked.

"I want it to be over", he replied.

*** Recall what I said about Michael's views of "wanting" verses "having" ***

I have serious doubts as to whether this issue has come to a final conclusion. It has been an on and off battle in our home for 21 months.

T W E N T Y - O N E M O N T H S

T H A T ' S A L M O S T T W O Y E A R S ! ! !

How can someone be so close to the answer and yet resist it so much?

In other news, we have temporarily taken over the responsibility of brushing Michael's teeth for him. His gums have stopped bleeding and are now pink and healthy looking. His breath is better too. We are hoping to turn this responsibility back over to him very soon (again). When I say "again", I mean that I thought the "war" on that issue was over too. We'll see.

Oral Hygiene Games

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 23:43:56 CST

As I have mentioned in previous posts, Michael has some of the worst teeth in the world. They are black, brown, and green. They used to also be red but those ones rotted and fell out. On an average day, his breath smells worse than a sewer. The funny thing about all of that is he likes to play mental games with brushing his teeth.

Starting with the first week in Russia where he became our son, we have stressed that good oral hygiene is very important - especially for him. Michael resisted. He frequently acted like a war was going on in his mouth as long as there was a brush and/or toothpaste present. I wish I could say that I was exaggerating on this but he literally acted like the flavor of the paste and the basic scrubbing action of brushing was like using a steel bristle brush on sun burned skin. While it is quite possible that he did have some kind of gum related tenderness and perhaps it was painful for him to brush, in the coming weeks as his gums turned from red to pink, he quickly got over it all and brushing became routine. That is when it turned into a psychological game.

Our first big policy change was to introduce a timer into the equation. We purchased a small digital kitchen timer for Michael so that he could time various aspects of his day. He used it when taking his daily math drills and now he would also use it when brushing his teeth. When it was time, he would set the timer for three minutes and then begin scrubbing. It seemed like a good plan to address his nature to quickly do a poor job.

For a while it seemed to work. One problem that came out of this was that he would sit there and watch the timer - waiting for three minutes to pass. Often during these times, he would stop brushing while he became enchanted by the timer. Our solution to that was that he was not allowed to "look" at the timer while brushing. The timer was a distraction and so he had to turn the other way, turn the timer around or place it face down while it was running. For a while that seemed to work too.

It was not long after this that he began to simply brush the same part of his mouth over and over. In some cases it was only one tooth or one side of his mouth. No "round and round circles small gums and all" kind of action. Just short back and forth strokes. There were also times when he would maneuver his brush all over his mouth but not actually brush anything in particular. He did this to compensate for us telling him to brush more than one spot. In his mind, he was complying with our rules and doing what was asked of him. He believed that he was putting in WAY more effort than he wanted and therefore nothing could possibly go wrong and no fungus could ever survive his massive oral cleansing effort.

Surprise surprise! More teeth became rotten as tooth decay spread. I took digital photos of the teeth in his mouth and showed them to him. As his rotten teeth fell out, we put them into a small zip lock bag for keeping and to remind him of what had been in his mouth. I had him imagine putting that tooth back into his mouth and sucking on it like it was candy. I would also make him smell the tooth in the bag - which I might add is enough to make you vomit. He "seemed" grossed out by all of this. I reminded him that these rotten teeth were once in his mouth and there are going to be more if he doesn't change his habit. On one occasion he asked me if the "tooth fairy" was going to give him a dollar for his black and green tooth. I was speechless.

We took the approach that he probably doesn't know how bad his teeth really are. Like many orphans, he struggles with cause and effect thinking. He has bad teeth and mom and dad are always on him about brushing but these are isolated issues. He has been to the dentist in America several times, has had cavities filled, and had prescription medicine for various ailments in his mouth - but again - these are all unrelated. If he doesn't take care of his teeth, all the treatment in the world is not going to help. I believe that one or more of the following is happening:
- He can't put two and two together and figure out that rotten teeth come from neglect
- He doesn't care
- The potential consequences are unlikely to actually happen

In one of his front upper teeth, he had a cavity which was cleaned, drilled and filled. The tooth resembles Swiss cheese and the cavity itself looks like a hole is being bored right through the front center of the tooth. You can't miss it even if you only get a casual glance at his smile. We got him a mirror to use so that he could see what he was doing while he brushed for three minutes. This too turned into a game.

On each instance, he would faithfully fetch his timer and mirror. I would almost say that he "clinged" to having these objects while brushing his teeth. He would squirt a vapor of tooth paste on his brush, turn his timer on and spin it around to face away from him, then sit there and stare at himself in the mirror - for three minutes. He always remembered to get the mirror and timer.

We have addressed the issue of using a minimal amount of toothpaste repeatedly and Michael seems convinced that only the bare minimum is required. He has mentioned on several occasions that if you mix a little toothpaste with your spit, that is more than enough to do a good job. I asked him, "how is that working out for you?"

I then would ask him if he would ever use one small squirt of hand soap to wash his entire body in the bathtub. He knows that he needs a bar of soap and good sized squirt of shampoo to wash his hair. "Why would you think you would only need such a small amount of toothpaste?", I would ask. This would always cause him to give me the blank - "deer in the headlights stare".

Even when I show him his own teeth - the ones in the bag and the few that remain in his mouth - he is unfazed. He will look at his own black teeth and say things like, "I see what you mean" and then he will do it again and use the exact same reasoning as to why he didn't use enough tooth paste. Logical reasoning and Michael do not go together. It's more than that however. He has demonstrated that while he has the ability to understand, he does not want to comply. This is nothing short of defiance and rebellion and he likes to use ignorance as a cover.

An interesting aspect about all this is that he always makes it very well known that he was now beginning the tooth brushing process. He was very obvious about getting his timer and mirror.

What do I mean when I say "obvious"? Let's say you were sitting in a chair reading a book and minding your own business. Michael would make a point of walking past you and announce, "I have to get my timer". Keep in mind that there was no previous conversation going on between you and him or him and anyone else, nor was he asked what he was doing or where he was going. This is information he freely offered up so that any interested parties were fully aware that he was now about to engage in his tooth brushing activity and therefore complying with previous commands.

"I can't possibly be disobeying because I just made a point of letting you know that I am complying - even though I am not going to actually do what I just announced I was going to do and since you didn't ask me about it and are not watching me, you will think that I am trying to take initiative to be good.. This is how good boys behave and since you now think I am doing this, you will think I am being good. Everything is now good". This kind of logic is very simple, yet incorrect and also very twisted.

For Michael, more effort is always put on the illusion of being good, rather than simply being good. He is the kind of person that would take a shortcut across town even if it meant leaving Wisconsin and going through California and back again, if he thought he could fool you somehow. The fact that he even tries leads me to think that he views us as stupid and gullible.

Since most of his twisted mental games require other people or objects to act upon, we have taken away the timer and the mirror. Additionally, he is also to brush his teeth out of sight of anyone else. It is very important to Michael to give the impression that he is a good boy, but he has no actual intent of complying regardless of the personal consequences.

What is his solution to this new requirement? You'll probably never guess, so I'll tell you. He goes into the bathroom with his brush and toothpaste vapors and pretends he is killing two birds with one stone. He wants us to believe that he is brushing his teeth and going to the bathroom at the same time. What does he actually do? He places his brush on the vanity, sits on the toilet and plays with boogers.

Ask me how I know this...

Pre-Following

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 22:18:13 CST

Pre-following is what you do when you want to follow someone around and do what they do, but you don't want them to know that you're following or copying them. The basic tactic is to attempt to determine what a person is going to do next and then do it before they do. That way, when they get around to engaging in their intended activity, they will find that you are already there doing it and thus, you cannot be accused of copying or following.

Here is an example, let's say all the kids are in the house and one of them is contemplating pre-follow. One of the other children tells Mom that their bored or they are showing signs of boredom. Mom tells this one particular child, "why don't you go outside and play? You can even pick up all the toys you left outside from yesterday and put them away.?

The ability to successfully executing a pre-follow is first to have a successful eavesdrop. In order to know what is coming next, one would have to be paying close attention to everything that is going on in the house. This includes the contents of all conversations, the whereabouts of everyone in the house, as well as the activities that everyone is engaged in. In layman's terms, this is called being nosy. I also think it is a symptom of Attention Deficit Disorder.

Once the eavesdrop has revealed "the plan", the pre-following child will put their coat on and immediately go outside to where the toys were left from yesterday's activities. They may even begin to assemble the toys into a common location for ease of "putting them away" later. Seldom will they ever actually put them away. A subtle aspect of this is to "appear" as though your in the process of putting them away but the intent is never there. What is actually happening is that the pre-following child is waiting for the other children to come outside.

There is one drawback to pre-following - a change in plans. Sometimes, the ADD-pre-following child jumps the gun a little too soon and hastily executes their plan only to discover that they are alone in the location where they had anticipated being with others. Upon further analysis, it is revealed that they confused conversations, or only listened to half or less of a conversation, or the "plan" as they perceived it was actually only a "suggestion" and it never materialized, or that the pre-follower's activities were discovered and the other parties involved decided to do the exact opposite because they don't want to be followed or pre-followed.

If we were talking about psychopathic adults, this activity might be called "stalking". It is something that our adopted son Michael frequently engages in and because he believes that he is a "master tricker" (his own words), no one is on to his crafty plan.

News News News

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 16:53:56 CST

Every day when I come home from work, Michael asks me if I have heard any Russian news. Some days there is more news than others and mostly what I tell him are the headlines that appear on Google. What Medvedev or Putin has said or done recently, how the most recent trip of President Obama or Secretary of State Clinton went, the situation in Georgia.

Recently I have been telling him of the latest events of the Russian Orphan Lighthouse Project. They are preparing for a trip over to Russia where they will bring prospective adoptive families to Moscow and the orphanages they work with. This trip is intended to be the first of two trips that are required by Russian Law when adopting a Russian Child. For more details, take a look at the Russian Orphan Lighthouse Project website or their blog.

While I was poking around on YouTube, I found some more videos that pertain to the current state of orphans in Russia. Watch the video below or go to YouTube and search for "Russian orphan".

Dirty Clothes and Subtle Disobedience

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 23:55:47 CST

Put simply, Michael has poor hygiene. I don't believe that cleanliness is something that was stressed in the orphanage. When we visited the Cheboksary Children's home, it was a clean facility and for the most part the people there appeared clean. I don't recall anyone there with noticeably dirty clothing or skin. But then again, that was not something I was looking for when I was there.

One of the things we discovered immediately after arriving in Moscow was that the facility where we took our so-called "medical exam", did not have adequate rest room facilities. I could write a whole book on the things I observed at that place. Of course the adequacy of the facilities is nothing more than my opinion as compared with what is available at any public building here in the United States. Looking back at our trip now, I wish I would have taken a photo of the rest room.

The door to the room was locked and you had to ask someone to unlock it for you should you need to use it. The toilet had no seat and the sink had no soap. Used toilet paper was meant to be thrown in the open waste basket and not down the toilet as there was not enough vacuum, water, or flushing power to make it go down. Perhaps the real reason for not putting paper in the bowl was that there was not enough bacteria in the system to break down the paper once it was flushed. I don't know. All I can say is that the room stunk in the worst kind of way. It was almost as if the hospital/clinic had thought about putting in rest room plumbing after they had designed and built the facility.

For Michael, this would not have been a problem. He would simply do the normal and natural thing - don't wipe. The problem of having dirty hands is then avoided even though a different problem has been created... but no one can "see" that problem even though you might detect the smell. But then again, smells could come from anywhere. Couldn't they...? Furthermore, since cause and effect are unrelated scientific principles of the universe, having an itchy red butt is simply nothing more than a regularly occurring and common skin problem that everyone learns to live with. Don't they...?

But I digress. This story is not about butts or Russian bathrooms but about dirty clothes and associated mind games. While we were in Russia, I observed several people who clearly did not change their clothes or bathe on a regular basis. Perhaps I should say - regular enough for me. I can certainly understand the repeated wearing of some articles of clothing. Though there may be some articles that can be worn more than others - all must be changed eventually. For example, (in my opinion) socks and underwear should be changed daily. Sometimes if it is very cold (like the dead of winter in Wisconsin), you might choose to wear wool socks over cotton socks to keep your feet warm. The wool socks may not need to be changed every day depending on what you're doing but eventually, they will need to be changed.

As with many other things in Michael's life, the regular changing of his clothes is a tool he will sometimes use to "gain control" in his life. I don't fully understand his twisted reasoning in this but in his mind, doing the opposite of what he is told or what he knows to be right, correct, or expected - is one way that he convinces himself that he is still the master of his own domain. Sometimes his disobedience is blatant while other times it is more subtle. Here is an example of subtle disobedience:

Michael has horrible breath due to his rotten, multi-colored teeth. He knows this as does everyone else in the house. Grandma's dog also knows it and doesn't like it when Michael puts his face near his. Some people are "mouth breathers" while others breath through their nose. Michael is a "nose breather" - that is unless he has some kind of crazy thought in his head and he has decided that making you sick and angry might be an enjoyable activity for the moment. At that time, he will move in close and ask you what you're doing and then begin to breath on your face. He knows that you will not like it and have asked him repeatedly in the past to not do that. This is the calibur of games that Michael likes to play.

As of this morning, Michael has been wearing the same black socks, green shorts, and red t-shirt for about 5 days. He changes his underwear and washes them by hand every day because of previous butt wiping compliance issues of the past. Michael came down stairs this morning and Peggy asked him, "how many days have you been wearing those clothes?" Michael gave the standard answer, "I don't know". In reality he probably didn't know the exact number, but he was well aware that it had been a while since he put on clean clothes.

"I didn't say anything to you because I wanted to see if you would choose to change your clothes.", said Peggy. "Now go back up stairs and put on some clean clothes." Peggy did not give him any wiggle room on this and gave him a direct and very specific command. She did not ask him "why" he hasn't changed his clothes but made a point of telling him that she was aware of it and it should be corrected immediately.

Michael goes back upstairs and takes a long time in his room picking out clothing. He comes back down with a nearly exact set of clothing. Black socks, very similar green shorts, and a very similar red t-shirt. His clean clothing is so similar to his dirty clothing that if you were not paying attention, you would not have noticed they were different. The question to ask is, "why did he put on nearly identical clothing?"

Dad: "What are you doing?"
Michael: "Mom told me to change my clothes."
Dad: "Why did you pick out almost the exact same clothes?"
Michael: "I like red and green"
Dad: "Don't you like variety? Do you want me to only buy you black socks, green shorts, and red t-shirts?"
Michael: "No"
Dad: "Then why did you choose to change into black socks, green shorts, and a red t-shirt?"

Michael his this certain facial expression he makes when you've trapped him in a mind game. It is a sort of smirk/half smile where his cheeks get round and chubby. He then purses his lips in what I call the "kissy face". He moves his lips in and out in a semi-nervous kind of way. It is a dead give away that something crazy is going on in his mind. To me, this game has no point but to him - it is of great significance that he successfully pulls "a fast one". To get a trick or deception of some sort past mom and dad is like "a win". It doesn't matter if it is big or small.

Back to our question: "Why did you choose to change into black socks, green shorts, and a red t-shirt"?

Michael: silent, staring, smirking, kissy-facing.
Dad: Well?
Michael: I like it.
Dad: You like what?
Michael: I like red and green.

This went around and around a few times so I'll just cut to the chase. Michael ultimately admitted that he purposely chose to wear nearly identical clothing because he thought that would be a good way to irritate mom and cause some confusion about whether or not he actually changed his clothing. Michael definitely did not see what was coming next. Peggy sent him upstairs to put on his dirty clothes back on. At this point, he is to wear them indefinitely. Further more, he is also required to keep wearing the same underwear and not to comb his hair. I'm not sure how far to go with this and whether to have him avoid bathing and tooth brushing as well.

Our goal is this: we will either take his tool away, or turn it to our advantage. Michael has decided to become "the stinky kid" for reasons of his own. We are going to allow him to be "the stinky kid" for reasons of our own. When all is said and done, I will once again ask him - "How did that work out for you?"

Please Lord, let him learn something from this.