- 3/28/2007 1:15:46 PMDay 6 - Wednesday - Tossing and TurningLast night was one of the worst nights of sleep I have had in quite a while. I tossed and turned most of the night contemplating Yuri. During the brief moments of sleep I had, I dreamed of Peggy working, me getting a second job, selling my plasma... all to finance Yuri's adoption. I dreamed that we only had to go in debt $5,000 and that didn't seem so bad.
When I awoke at 6:00 AM, I went downstairs as quietly as possible. When I passed by Yuri's room I looked in to see if he was awake or stirring. I'm not sure if my mind was playing tricks on me or not but it looked like his eyes were open and looking at me. But then again, he has dark long eye lashes. I didn't take a second look. I didn't want him to be awake. I just wanted a quiet morning alone.
When I got out of the shower, I thought about how much breakfast I should make. Normally when I would make oatmeal, I would make enough for myself, Megan, James and Ellie. Would I need to make more if Yuri woke up too? I decided I would just make the usual amount (3 cups) and we would all just have a little smaller portion. I was secretly hoping that none of them would be awake. Then I could just eat, read and contemplate in peace and quiet - alone.
I poured a cup of coffee and began to prepare the oatmeal. It takes a few minutes for the water to boil and then 5 more minutes for the oatmeal to cook. I figured I had some time where I could just sit and read while I was waiting, so I went to get my bible. I use my bible daily and it is usually kept on one of the steps of stair case right off the dining room. We always place items that need to go up stairs there so that when the owner of the item passes by on their way up, they can just grab it. Since I use my bible regularly, it never goes up. My kids all know where it is located and it is frequently used as the "communal" reference bible. If you need to use a bible, use dad's.
I went to the stairs and it was not there. I quickly realized it had been brought up by someone else as part of cleaning and preparing for our dinner guests on Monday. The fact that I was just now realizing this meant that I had not read yesterday because I had not noticed that it was not on the stairs. So now I faced a decision, do I go up stairs and get my bible and run the risk of waking up Yuri and the kids and lose my quiet morning or do I skip reading today to preserve the solitude? If I skip reading, does this some how translate into a reflection of my selfish nature and my true feelings towards my commitment to God's word? If this is a reflection of my commitment, what would God's reaction to this be? What kind of man am I?
I began to feel sick and disgusted with myself. I decided that I had to read and that I didn't want to abandon something that is important to me - daily reading of God's word. The kids kept sleeping. When I got back down stairs, I put the oatmeal on to cook and I thought about what had just happened. Would I make the wrong decision about Yuri? Would I disappoint God? I'm certain that God already knew what I was going to do, but knowing the outcome would not prevent him from being disappointed in me should I do the wrong thing. What an awful thing it is to have the blackness of your own heart revealed to you.
There are times when I pray that God would be near to me. Sometimes while I'm driving home from work, I'll clear the passenger seat so that Christ will have a place to sit should he suddenly appear to me while I'm driving. I pray that it will not scare the crap out of me and cause me to swerve off of the road. Today I prayed that I would not disappoint God and that my heart and will would be in alignment with His. Below is the reading from today's Our Daily Bread:
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Lamentations 3:22-23
On a teaching trip to the Bible lands, our study group had just spent a restful night at our Tiberias hotel. When I awoke, I went to my window and gazed at the beauty of the sunrise on the Sea of Galilee. As I thought ahead to the places we would be visiting that day-the same places where Jesus had walked 2,000 years before-I was excited about the opportunities of the day that had begun with the splendor of the sunrise.
We don't need to be in Israel, however, to be amazed at what God gives us each day. Every morning of life offers us new challenges and rich blessings as we walk with Christ. Despite mistakes we may have made yesterday, choices we regret, and heartache we have endured, God is merciful to us. The sunrise reminds us of His faithfulness and of the new start each day brings.
Perhaps it was the simple joy of a beautiful sunrise that prompted Jeremiah to write, "Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness" (Lam. 3:22-23).
Each new day the Lord gives to us-whether in the Bible lands or at home-is an expression of His faithfulness and provides opportunities to live for Him. - Bill Crowder
Lord, in the hush of early dawn,
When all the world lies sleeping,
I place my life and all I love
Into Thy gracious keeping. -White
The best reason for hope is God's faithfulness.
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I took some comfort in knowing that even if I should be unfaithful to God, He will not be unfaithful to me. I still feel like a heel for thinking what I thought.
