- 5/1/2009 10:03:21 PMLove LanguagesNot long ago, while speaking with someone regarding Michael - the subject of reaching him on an emotional level came up. The other party inquired whether or not we knew about the "Love Languages" and which one was his language. Michael doesn't understand love. He doesn't love anyone and doesn't trust anyone. I know this because he has told me so. When I consider his past, I understand how his lack of love and trust came to be.
"Surely everyone has the God given capacity to love", they responded. Under "normal" circumstances or in a "sin-free" world this might be true. But what about "damaged" people? Is this statement true for them? Is their capacity for love still intact?
While I have not read the book by Gary Chapman, I understand a little about the five languages of love and what they are. Chapman lists:
1. Words of Affirmation - this could be encouragement, affirmation or helping to overcome something difficult.
2. Quality Time - this is more than mere proximity, this is a complete focus of your attention on the other party.
3. Receiving Gifts - visual symbols of love. It could be something simple and cheap or complex and expensive. Either way, it should reflect their value to you.
4. Acts of Service - simple chores, acts of kindness or thoughtfulness done out of love and not duty.
5. Physical Touch - this could be hugs, kisses, back rubs, holding hands, or ... something else. Chapman writes that no words need be spoken and for the person whose language this is, and doing it properly (or improperly) can be a make or break deal.
This type of analysis probably works good when you are contemplating "normal" people. But how does it apply when you're speaking of someone who has been abused, neglected, or is just plain crazy?
1. Word of affirmation - saying things like "Great Job!", "I love you", or "hang in there" have very different meanings in the world of the abused adopted child. "I love you" is often times verbalized as, "shut up", "you're a no good rotten kid" and reinforced with a slap or punch. (see physical touch)
2. Quality time - in the world of the neglected person, quality time can mean every single minute. In Michael's case, it is 24/7 deal. He would gladly dominate every waking moment of each day.
3. Receiving Gifts - For someone who lost everything, "things" have very little meaning. Everything is temporary at best. If a gift is received, another one will be asked for. This game can go on indefinitely. Some times it is said that if you give an inch, they will take a mile. All of the gifts will be unappreciated and set aside. The real value in receiving gifts, is seeing how far you can push the other person into giving you what you want.
4. Acts of service - Doing something nice for the adopted child is often seen as the prelude to a deception or a trick of some sort. No sane person does something nice just for the sake of doing it or out of love. There is always a catch and the key is finding out what that is.
5. Physical touch - The lesson that "love hurts" is often deeply ingrained in the mind of the wounded child. Physical touching can mean all sorts of painful things - most of which are not appropriate for this blog.
