- 6/9/2010 8:15:55 PMHelakopturYesterday was not a good school day for Michael. When he decides that he doesn't feel like working, he simply will not comply with anything you tell him no matter how agreeable he seems to be. The funny thing is that he will expend ten times as much energy avoiding work than he would have expended doing the actual work. Even if you explain that phenomenon to him, he is not deterred.
This morning, Michael wakes up and comes downstairs. Like every morning, he waits for James to get out of bed before he comes down. This rule is in place so that Michael does not make his way downstairs and wander around alone while I am in the shower. It is a preventative measure so that Michael doesn't get into trouble.
He brings a clean pair of underwear and his wash pail with him. The wash pail is an old 5 quart ice cream container. In case I haven't covered this topic before, Michael is generally a very lazy person and this includes being lazy with his own personal hygiene. To put it simply, Michael does a poor job of wiping his own butt. I could go into the specifics of it, but that would take the rest of this article. Needless to say, Michael has been taught repeatedly on how to do it correctly. He has also been punished repeatedly for either 1) not wiping his butt at all or 2) doing a very poor job of it. When he chooses to wipe is butt, he uses his own bizarre technique which is not conducive to attaining good results. As a consequence, Michael is required to wash out his own underwear every morning.
For a while, I used to inspect his underwear for him every morning. If they were dirty he would wash them, otherwise they could go into the family laundry pile to be washed by machine. Of course after wearing his underwear they would be "dirty" - that is not what I mean. On average, four days out of each week Michael's underwear will have a large smear or chunk of poop in the back and/or heavy yellow stains in the front. In some cases, he will put on a clean pair at 6:30 AM and by noon they are gross. It is almost as if he started peeing before he pulled his underwear down or didn't shake when he is done. In a nutshell, I got tired of checking and not seeing any improvement and zero effort from him. I told him that he can just wash his underwear every day regardless of if they are clean or dirty.
Getting back to today's story, Michael follows James downstairs and proceeds to the bathroom to wash his underwear. When he is done, he puts is wash pail on the stairs and goes out to hang his underwear on the clothes line. When he comes in, he doesn't put his bucket back in his room. I asked him why he didn't put it away and he says that he is not allowed to be upstairs alone while Mom is up there sleeping. This rule is in place because Michael likes to spy on Mom and will find any and all excuse to make his way past the bedroom door so that he can see her. After hearing this, I had some questions for him.
Dad: Do you know how many times I told you that you had to wait upstairs in your room in the morning until James comes down?
Michael: Lots
Dad: No. Actually I only mentioned that to you one time and you have obeyed since. How many times were you told not to be upstairs by yourself or in the basement by yourself?
Michael: Lots
Dad: I don't think so. It was more than once but I don't think it was a lot. How many times were you told to do your school work yesterday?
Michael: Lots
Dad: Why do you obey when it comes to staying on your bed or not going upstairs or downstairs alone, but you won't obey when it comes to your school work? You've been told to do your school work hundreds if not thousands of times, but with the other things, you obey on the first or second time. Why?
Of course Michael either doesn't know why or won't admit to anything but my theory is that the reason lies in the premise of the command. In one case he is told, "You can't do this" while in the other case he is told, "You must do this". Not doing something is fully compatible with his lazy nature so if I tell him he must stay on his bed until James comes down, he is not required to do anything but wait. On the other hand, when it comes to chores or school work - some kind of action is required on his part, and this he resists. While he generally doesn't like rules that put any kind of restrictions on him, he is more likely to obey when the rule doesn't require any additional effort on his part.
When I presented this to Michael and I asked him what he thought of my answer, he replied that he doesn't go upstairs or downstairs at all because he just wants to avoid any trouble. "I don't like it", he said. I responded, "You don't like any of this or any of the trouble that it brings, but somethings you immediately stop and others you continue doing any way. If you really don't like trouble that much why do you keep doing things that bring trouble to you?" Michael cannot answer this question.
"I was thinking about this earlier and I decided I just wanted to come down and do my school work from yesterday", Michael said. Michael's punishment for not doing his school work yesterday was that he was required to stay at his desk working on his school until it was done or bed-time came - which ever happened first. Then anything he didn't finish would be waiting for him the next day. This is a position he has been in many times before. Not doing your school work brings pressure, anger, shouting and a great deal of unpleasantness for Michael. In the past, Michael's solution to this problem was to act as though he has turned over a new leaf and pretend that he is now fully committed to doing his work and ending this useless cycle of shenanigans. In reality however, this has been the times of his most devious trickery.
At times he has been known to actually get his school book out, place his finger on a certain spot on the page (the reasoning for the positioning of his finger on the page is known only to him and has little to do with where he is actually appearing to read from). Then he will get out his paper of questions, mumble something under his breath regarding the question and write something down. Afterward, when the school work is examined - we find that questions are skipped, nonsense answers are written, obvious guesses are made, and in some cases he even took the time to write "I don't know" for an answer.
When he has completed is charade of doing schoolwork directly in front of you or in plain view, he will then say something like, "I don't know why I wasted so much time on this. I'm sorry. I understand that I learn better when I actually try...". It is a total butt-kissing, lying act to seek approval and praise for doing a good job by means of deception and outright lying. That is how Michael overcomes obstacles in life: by cheating and lying - without regard to how much effort is involved and even if it takes ten times the amount of actually doing the work correctly.
I'm already tired of talking with Michael about this and I tell him to do his school work if that is what he really wants to do. "I hope you really mean it Michael.", I say. "You know, you are your own worst enemy. When you cheat, you are cheating yourself out of knowledge." I remind him of a little boy we know named Max. Max is in the 1st or 2nd grade and in some classes, Michael is doing the work that Max has already mastered. Michael sits down and begins his work.
After a few minutes, he asks me how to spell a word. There he is, sitting at his desk with the dictionary open in one hand and asking how to spell "helicopter". I said, "you have the dictionary right in your hand. Why don't you use it?".
Before you jump to any conclusions, "YES" Michael has been taught how to use the dictionary many times.
He is frustrated now because "I don't understand" the details of his struggle. In his mind, he simply wants to find a word that should be there but for some reason it isn't. Here are the possible reasons running through his mind:
- Webster simply chose not to put that word in the dictionary
- Webster can't spell and put the word in the wrong place
"Spell it", I said.
"h-a-l-u-k-o-p-t-u-r", says Michael.
"Has it occurred to you that you might be spelling it wrong?", I ask.
"NO! Dad! Listen!!"... Michael begins to say the word stressing all of the sounds incorrectly:
"HAL" (as in a mans first name) + "UH" (as in UM or BUM) + "KOP" (as in cop) + "TUR" (as in "turn")
"Has it occurred to you that you might be saying it wrong?", I ask.
Michael goes back to looking in the dictionary and then asks again. The next moment is the clincher of this whole story.
"But Dad! Look! I found it and the letter 'i' doesn't make that sound!", he exclaims.
So here it is, the dictionary is wrong and Michael - the boy who has been speaking English for two years knows better than Noah Webster.
I said, "You're wrong Michael! You've been saying this word wrong your whole life and now you're spelling it wrong. And the best part is you think your right and you won't even listen to the correct way of saying it or spelling it right from the dictionary! The root of this problem is because you're stubborn and prideful. You will never be right by trying to do wrong and pretending it's right. The dictionary spelling and pronunciation is right and you're wrong".
Perhaps your thinking that I've blown this whole story out of proportion. I don't think so. This is one of many examples of interactions with Michael that are all basically the same. Michael believes he knows better. Michael believes he is much smarter than everyone around him.
I've said this many times before and in many different ways, but this is Michael in a nutshell: Do whatever you want and tell yourself it's right, good, or ok, regardless of what it actually is, and then let the chips fall where they may. Take comfort in knowing "you're right" while you're getting punished for the same thing for the hundredth time. Sooner or later, the truth will be known it will be shown that you were right all along.
For any normal person, they would have changed their way of thinking long before the 10th time they were punished for making the same mistake. Some people learn after the first mistake, while others might take a few more mistakes to get it right. But for someone who will get punished repeatedly for the same thing over and over again... what does that mean?
Some words come to mind when I contemplate all of this, patience, endurance, long suffering. Those concepts are reserved for people who hang in there against the odds and under long term pressure and stress. Michael has been washing his own underwear for about a year now. A YEAR!!!! Why doesn't he just wipe his butt and keep his crack clean? Wouldn't that be easier?
Let me put it another way, a sane person is no match for an insane person. If the definition of "insane" means a loss of contact with reality, I must carefully consider my view of Michael. Here is a person who is holding on to bizarre concepts of reality with the grip of iron. He is persistent and seemingly unbreakable when it comes to his behavior.
Like all people, Michael's brain is wired a certain way. This "way" is not consistent with logic or reality, cause and effect, action and consequence. Michael believes that if he thinks IT, then IT IS SO. The possibility that he is wrong about something that may require him to re-think something never occurs to him. And he detests being proven wrong - which happens a lot. He adamantly refuses to change and his crazy behavior is going to outlast my ability to endure it.
